If you’re a student who wears a shirt critical of Barack Obama, you’ll get suspended. This is something you definitely don’t want to happen, because then you’ll probably fall behind on very important homework assignments - such as the one where you’re supposed to write an essay tearing apart Sarah Palin.
So who said there were problems with education around here?
Not me. I want liberal professors to indoctrinate these young minds. For if students don’t learn the natural-born superiority of the Lord Almighty, all-knowing, all powerful Obamessiah while in school, where will they learn it? (Besides, Hollywood, TV, the Denver Post, Rocky Mountain News, MSNBC, CNN, talk shows, etc..)
Which is why I support Metro State professor Andrew Hallam’s recent attempts at left-wing indoctrination. He instructed his students to write an essay critical of Sarah Palin, and it’s created quite a stir for some reason.
Personally, I don’t get you college kids these days. Stop the whining, I say. Yes, I’m aware of the assignment: You’re supposed to pen an unfair, sexist, partisan diatribe against Gov. Palin, and you're suppossed to do this while lacking the basic skills needed to compose a coherent essay. But do you think that stops Mike Littwin?
No, it doesn’t. So buck up and start ripping on Republicans. After all, that’s obviously the purpose of an English class. So learn it. Live it. And embrace the dutiful Latin words of Metro State’s glorious motto: "Pondera est non maximus" which, roughly translated, means: "Balance is Overrated."
This, fortunately, is a motto NOT endorsed by the Colorado Department of Health. They love balance. Especially when it comes to racial makeup of those with viral diseases. (I’ll explain).
The CDH has a sub-department called: the "Office of Health Disparities." This is a real live taxpayer funded bureaucracy, and is not (unfortunately) something I am making up.
I never even knew this agency existed until the Pueblo Chieftain ran a story about how the "Health Disparities" department is spending $150,000 to increase vaccination for human papilloma virus among young women. Sounds like a good cause doesn’t it? It IS good - assuming you are Hispanic. See, the program is only for "Hispanic/latina women."
So I guess all you black women are out of luck. White girls? Too bad for you. Asian females? Hope you don’t get ill. The state of Colorado has decided that only certain races are important enough to protect this year. Maybe next year they’ll want to help sick and injured women regardless of race. Fingers crossed!
In other news......
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The Udall campaign has suddenly come out against negative ads, unless (according to a spokesman) it’s an ad that specifically refers to Bob Schaffer as a "scumbucket."
The negative ads against Udall--while being hilarious and factually accurate--are getting on the campaign’s nerves. Said a Udall spokesman:
"The ad showing a hippie getting into a smoke-filled 1968 VW van while praising Mark Udall for sponsoring a 'Department of Peace' is blatantly false."
And then the spokesman added: "That’s clearly a 1967 van."
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Representing a seat devastated by insect infestation for a couple years now, state Rep. Christine Scanlan, a Democrat, held a press conference to talk about the pine beetle problem. (She’s against it.)
At the event, she boldly proposed a slew of solutions, including increased wildfire mitigation, reforestation plans, and the building of a 70 foot tall can of Raid.
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The NY Times (still in business as of the time of this writing) has declared Denver to be "the new Chicago."
While we're flattered the Times would compare us to a bunch of overweight, politically corrupt Bears fans with nasal accents who think being a community organizer qualifies you to serve in the United States Senate, we think we’ll pass.
We’re NOT the "new Chicago." We’re the "Original Denver."
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Lame joke of the week:
Have you heard the latest pick-up line used by employees at the Department of the Interior’s Lakewood office?
"Hey Baby. Let’s drill here, drill now."
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Your ballot initiative update:
The battle to stop legalized discrimination (Amendment 46), is moving forward.
After suing to try to stop the popular measure, anti-Amendment 46 organizers dropped their lawsuit on account of a complex legal technicality called "Not having a case."
"Our time and energy and better spent elsewhere," said anti-46 organizer Melissa Hart, finally saying something that reasonable people can agree with. Hart is also a CU law professor, when she's not out protesting, that is. Caution to her students: Be careful, very careful when you select your t-shirt for class this morning.
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Finally, state Rep. Judy Solano, D-Brighton, held a press conference to share with us her expertise in the field of energy independence.
"We just can’t keep using natural gas and oil. We need to use our wind. We need to use our solar. Drill, drill, drill is not the solution," she told the Denver Post, after which she prepared for the drive back to Brighton by getting in her car, driving over to the wind station, grabbing the wind pump and putting 10 gallons of wind in her wind tank.
Or maybe it was gas. Sorry for the error. Hope you will forgive me for this and my many other errors this week. You see, I was taught English at Metro State. Up next, law at CU-Boulder.