By Andrew Ripemoff
So much to ridicule this week, so little time.
Let’s start with the heated Democratic primary battle for the 2nd Congressional District, where all three pacifist candidates surprisingly turned out to be in favor of war. Not war against terrorists mind you, just against fellow democrats.
Polis, ready for his close-upFTS Staff Photo
Even uber-liberal Fab Four member Tim Gill joined the fray. The Rocky Moutain News says he chipped in $110,000 to help Joan Fitz-Gerald’s losing campaign - a donation that led to accusations of influence peddling and vote buying.
Jared Polis in particular was furious at Gill’s big spending, telling the Rocky Post Gazette Chieftain: "To see some arrogant rich, liberal gay man use his wealth to try to buy this election is absolutely disgusting."
For his part, and to his great credit, Polis ran on a platform of ideas; 5.3 million of them to be exact. His campaign ran so many ads, even Dealing Doug is saying, "Enough with the commercials already."
Apparently however, the media blitz worked. Post-election polls revealed that the number one deciding factor on primary voters’ minds was the war in Iraq, followed closely in order by the energy crisis, and the desire "To get rid of all those annoying commercials with chubby pasty guy."
Still, history was made Tuesday. Never mind Barney Frank, if Polis goes on to win the seat in November, he will become the first man elected to congress who is openly obnoxious.
Yet for members of Polis’s loyal constituency, Tuesday’s win was especially gratifying:
"This is a great night! Jared will bring jobs and prosperity to all of us!" said a beaming Lester Smith, speaking on behalf of all his fellow TV station owners.
For former Senate President Joan Fitz-Gerald, the loss must have been heartbreaking. And because this qualified woman came into this race with so much experience, a reasonable person can assume only one thing about Boulder's Democrat voters: They’re all sexist.
Moving on...
We’ve learned this week that the market rate for seeing Barack Obama speak at Invesco Field had gone up to $3,650 per person. Personally, I thought that was fairly reasonable. I even called up the ticket broker and told her I was available that day. That’s when I realized it was all a big misunderstanding. Apparently, you’re supposed to pay THEM $3,650.
Yes, that’s right: $3,650 for a ticket to hear the Messiah teach us how gas prices will drop two or three bucks a gallon if we would simply pump up our Firestones to 32 psi. But $3,650 for a seat? I guess there IS a sucker born every minute, which - in this case - also applies to those who got tickets for free.
You’ll be grateful to hear, however, that the DNC is working to prevent ticket transfers. DNCC officials claim that a barcode on the tickets will prevent people from being able to sell them on eBay and other venues. Imagine that: Democrats trying to stifle free market transactions.
Speaking of the convention, the schedule has been released with a few adjustments. A speech scheduled for the second night titled, "Morality and Democrats - A Natural Fit," has been canceled because of a prior commitment on the part of the speaker, John Edwards.
The Edwards scandal effectively erased the former Vice Presidential candidate’s name from the speaker list. DNC committee members felt that allowing a sleazy Southern politician who cheats on his wife to have a prime time slot would just be too embarrassing. So instead, Bill Clinton will be speaking.
That is, of course, assuming the Colorado Democratic Party allows the Clintons to speak. Because we’ve also learned this week that they sure don’t allow Clinton supporters to speak.
I’m talking about Clinton fans like delegate Sacha Millstone from Boulder.
According to the August 12th Denver Post, Colorado Democratic Party political director Billy Compton had heard some rumblings that Millstone - like 18 million other Democrat primary voters - preferred the former first lady over some Illinois junior Senator. Normally that wouldn’t be a big deal. Delegates do have free will after all - but we’re not talking about normal people here. We’re talking about Democrats. And in the Democratic party, there is no greater sin than that of independent thought.
Compton fired off an odd email to Millstone. It read in part:
"You are hereby directed to come in to the party Headquarters and explain your comments..."
Interesting quote. It reads like something out of a 1940's Soviet police handbook. Joseph Stalin’s estate should sue for plagiarism. We can't help but ask: Is this how Colorado Democratic leaders speak to the delegates? Do they realize the delegates are the foundation of the party? Do they realize they WORK for the delegates? Do they realize I’ve devoted an entire paragraph defending a Democrat from Boulder?
So maybe Millstone will be stripped of her delegate status and won’t be able to attend the Obama speech. Maybe it’s for the better, seeing as there’s going to be a torrential downfall. You’ve heard about that right?
The Focus on the Family Action Group called on its followers to pray for "rain of biblical proportions" to occur during Obama’s Invesco Field speech. Let me share in the wide condemnation at this outrageous request. There is no room in modern civilized politics for people to ask God to disrupt a political opponent’s speech with rain. Hail and locusts? Sure. But not rain.
Personally I’m hoping against rain. I want all the delegates to enjoy themselves and have fun.
They better.
Or Billy Compton will summon them to his office.