By Andrew Ripemoff
An interesting week here in one of those big square swing states. The Messiah insulted a Native American tribe, Rocky Mountain News reporters got pimp slapped by one of their own, and Joan Fitz-Gerald has decided that losing the primary campaign may be a pretty good reason to close campaign headquarters.
There was lots of other stuff too, including the news that if you vote for the Amendment 47 Right-To-Work Initiative, babies will die (Obviously). But we’ll get to that in a second. Because right now, it’s time for a weekly feature we call:
MOST MERCIFUL, ALMIGHTY, ALL-KNOWING MESSIAH UPDATE
Obama in Golden, Colo.FTS Staff Photo
As you’ve seen by now, the Great One descended from the clouds to bless Coloradans with his holy presence once again this week, making appearances in places like Grand Junction, a rural area full of bitter people who cling to their guns and religion. He also appeared as an apparition in Pueblo, where - in true, good old fashioned straight talkin’ Western tradition - he had an expensive digital teleprompter installed in the middle of rodeo grounds.
Good thing, too. Because his first stop in Grand Junction came with a few electronic glitches:
TOKEN LOCAL YOKEL: "Ladies and gentlemen: the next President of the Untied States!"
Wild applause. Cheering. People tossing their first born on stage, etc...
BARACK OBAMA: "I uh, ah..uh..."
CAMPAIGN STAFFER: "Where’s the teleprompter?"
OBAMA: "Uh. I, uh...."
A technician rushes in a teleprompter.
OBAMA: "Hope. Change. Voted with Bush. Hope. 90 percent of the change time...."
CAMPAIGN STAFFER: "It’s stuck!"
OBAMA: "Change you hope you can believe hope in. Hope and change. Bush. Same. Change hope..."
CAMPAIGN STAFFER: "Somebody fix that damn teleprompter NOW!"
OBAMA: "More of the same hope. Change. Hope Bush. 90 percent of the time time. Change...."
Technicians work furiously on the machine.
TECHNICIAN: "I got it working now!"
OBAMA: "Thank you Grand Junction for that very warm welcome!"
But fortunately, it was fixed and working just fine in Pueblo, where it was installed in the middle of a rodeo arena, a place usually reserved for broncs and bulls. And NO, we’re not going to make any lame jokes associating bull manure with Obama’s tax increases proposals, so just move along to the next paragaraph.
Here we will mention how the Messiah took a moment in Grand Junction to wear a cowboy hat handed to him. But based on a little Internet search, this wasn't the first time. And, in a further phony attempt to pander to Western voters, he then caught a rainbow trout, shot an Elk, drank a Coors, and rode Joseph Biden bare-back for 8 seconds.
All of which was overshadowed by the moment of the day, when Mr. Obama (true story) mispronounced the name of the Southern Ute Indian Tribe as "Ooo-tay" instead of "Ute."
Yes, yes, I know. We all make mistakes. President George W. Bush has had his fair share of verbal miscues. But at least he butchered words that were longer than one syllable. (Is "Ute" really that hard to say?)
But like I said, we’re going to cut the Messiah some slack. For he is one of us. A man of the West, as evidenced by the fact that, after he spent the day lecturing all the rubes who cling to their guns and religion, he decided to - in true cowboy tradition - jettison off to Beverly Hills for a $28,500 a plate fundraiser with Barbara Streisand and David Geffen. And it goes without saying that when you want to capture the true authenticity of the rural American West, you just can’t go wrong eating caviar with gay music producers in Beverly Hills.
Speaking of true Westerners, let’s talk about Jess Knox, the no-holds-barred spokesman for the union group opposing the aforementioned Amendment 47. Mr. Knox is warning us that:
"...out of state, or narrow corporate interests (are) trying to divide Coloradans..."
And trust me when I say that if anyone can talk about "out-of-state" interests, it’s Mr. Knox. He just got here from Maine a few months ago. And I don't know about you, but when I want accurate, rock-solid information on Colorado ballot issues, I go straight to Maine Democrats for answers.
But just because he may not be able to vote in Colorado doesn't mean he can't tell you how to vote. As far as I’m concerned, he’s one of us. And personally, I don’t buy the argument that he is representing a group of union characters with questionable tactics. No, Sir. He wouldn’t work for an unethical guy who lies.
He used to work for John Edwards.
Speaking of out-of-wedlock births, do you know anyone having a baby soon? For the health of their infant, you better make sure they’re voting pro-union this year. Thus says Daniel Klawitter, another liberal leader opposing amendment 47.
He’s quoted as saying: "In places where they have been successful in passing these laws in other states, there is data that has shown workers make $5,000 less per year and infant mortality is actually 21 percent higher."
Translation: Vote against Amendment 47 or babies will die! It’s actually kind of catchy. Wonder if that will fit on a yard sign?
Moving on to the Rocky Mountain News, where the two liberal voices acting as a self-described "Truth Patrol" are on full Palin attack mode. Since September 2nd, the "Truth Patrol" has published six entries on Sarah Palin, two of which were neutral in tone, four of which were clearly negative.
Barack Obama? The truth patrol has given him one entry. And it was positive, of course. For those of you keeping score at home:
Palin: 4 Negative Entries
Obama: 1 Positive Entry
Even editorial page editor Vincent Carroll had to publicly call them out. You know the newsroom crowd is going too far when you need a "Truth Patrol" for the "Truth Patrol."
That’s all for now. We’d have more to say, but we’re still trying to figure out how to say, "Ute."