By Andrew Ripemoff
Editor’s note: The following humorous essay involves free-speech protected opinions regarding public figures. Some of the following items did not actually happen. It’s called satire. For those of you who don’t have a sense of humor, we strongly encourage you to stop reading now and go somewhere where you will feel more comfortable, like the New York Times.
It was (YAWN), an exciting two day start of the 2008 legislative session last week. It began with Speaker Romanoff oddly devoting an entire speech to a baby, and ended after Governor Ritter’s 174 hour, 28 minute State of the State - a speech in which he promised not to raise taxes, “..for at least a hour. Maybe two.”
Random observations on some of the lowlights from the first two days under the Golden Dome:
- The 2008 legislative session kicks off with the banging of the gavel, completely waking up Secretary of State Coffman.
- Peter Groff makes history, becoming the first African-American Senate President. Later on, he makes even more history, becoming the first African-American Senate President to fall asleep during an Andrew Romanoff speech. Speaking of which...
- In his opening day remarks, Speaker Romanoff talks about a baby born January 1st in Glenwood Springs. Mr. Romanoff talks about legislative goals, and how his policies will supposedly help the nine day old infant from birth to adulthood and beyond.
Contacted in his crib, the baby, the responds through an interpreter: “Nice of the Speaker to use me to score political points. Oh, and tell him thanks for raising my parents’ property taxes. I guess I didn’t want to go to college after all.”
- Rocky Mountain News columnist Tina Griego writes a lengthy piece, (published January 10th), about how Senator Groff is the first black Senate President, and how Senator Tapia is the first Hispanic Senate pro tem in over a century. Then she tells that we need to stop focusing on race.
- Wearing a frown, Democrat Representative Mike Merrifield arrives at the assembly after a visit to the vending machine. He tells a colleague, “There must be a special place in Hell for the person who took the last bag of Cheetos.”
- Speaker Romanoff, jealous of all of the attention paid to Sen. Groff, announces: “What about me? I’m the first Russian-American to become house speaker.”
- In his State of the State address, Governor Ritter lectures Republicans: “They (the voters) did not elect us to wage partisan warfare…” In this cooperative spirit of friendly bi-partisanship, someone, (true story), leaves a Darth Vader helmet on Douglas Bruce’s desk.
- Showing the professional journalistic neutrality they are so famous for, the Denver Post runs the following headline on January 10th: SENTATE PRESIDENT LIFTS HEARTS, HOPES
On a related note, hospitals throughout the state report an outbreak of nausea amongst Post readers.
- Speaker Romanoff continues on, talking about that baby, and how the child should not have to attend a school where: “...the roof is caving in or the floorboards are so rotten that they can’t even hold up his desk.” Teary-eyed legislators from both sides of the isle agree to work to put an end to the tragedy that befalls nearly 400,000 Colorado children each year, who are needlessly killed when they fall through rotten floorboards.
- Senator Groff walks across the icy parking lot to his car. A Denver Post reporter describes the scene: “He walked on water!”
- Wanting to debate her anti-school choice position against an easy target, liberal Senator Sue Windels gets into a twenty minute argument with Douglas Bruce’s empty chair. Neutral observers give the debate win to the chair.
-Still miffed by the lack of attention paid to him, Andrew Romanoff is overheard taking with a reporter: “Yes, it’s true. I AM the very first Cherry Creek-American elected to be speaker.”
- With their pulse on the electorate, two Denver democrats cave in to overwhelming demand from Coloradans, and introduce a bill naming the western Painted turtle as the state reptile. Other candidates competing for the title of the state‘s “Official Cold-blooded Reptile” include the Sagebrush Lizard, the Western Rattlesnake, and Governor Ritter’s spokesman.
- Nearing lunchtime, and facing a room full of hungry legislators, The Post reports that Senator Groff feeds the entire assembly with only five loaves of bread and two fishes.
- Speaker Romanoff promises to protect the beautiful and very important Roan Plateau, just as soon as someone tells him where it is.
- Several Denver Post reporters have to be physically removed from Senator Groff’s leg, which they hang onto while screaming: “This is historic! Very historic! We love you Senator Groff! Don’t leave us!”
There you have it: a quick recap of the session’s first two days. We don’t know how the rest of the session will turn out, but if the Denver Post headline is accurate, our hearts and hopes will be lifted.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’m getting nauseous.