By Andrew Ripemoff
The scene:
Saturday morning. A quiet, rural gas station. The owner of the joint, an old mechanic named Bud, sits on a rickety bench and fans himself while listening to his iPod. Peanut, his trusty dog, sleeps nearby.
Suddenly an anxious young driver of a shiny new Volvo slams into the lot, looking to fill up her tank.
DRIVER: Excuse me!
BUD: (singing) "Oh Mandy. Well you kissed me and stopped me from shaking, and I need you today, oh Mandy…"
DRIVER: (honking her horn) Excuse me!
Bud removes his ear pieces. Peanut lifts her head for a second, then goes back to sleep.
BUD: Sorry. When I hear the soulful sounds of Barry Manilow, I just get so into his beautiful ballads that I lose track of time.
DRIVER: I need to -
BUD: My granddaughter gave me this for my birthday. It’s called an iPod. Ya ever see one before?
DRIVER: Uh, yes. I have several.
BUD: Damndest thing. Took me 10 months to figure out how to work the son of a bitch.
DRIVER: Listen, I need to fill up quickly. I’m very late for an appointment.
BUD: Okey Dokey. Help yourself....Oh wait. I see you have a "Udall for Senate" sticker on your car.
DRIVER: Yeah. So.
BUD: We have this new system, where you’re supposed to use gas pumps based on who you’re voting for. (He points) These four pumps here are reserved just for Udall supporters.
DRIVER: Whatever.
She unscrews her gas cap. But before she reaches for the pump, she stops suddenly and yells at the owner.
DRIVER: Excuse me!
BUD: (singing) "I write the songs that make the whole world sing. I write the songs of love and special things...."
DRIVER: Excuse me!
Bud turns off his iPod. Peanut wakes up again.
BUD: Yes ma'am?
DRIVER: This gas pump says you guys are charging $5.97 per gallon.
BUD: It says that, really?
DRIVER: (upset) : Yes!
BUD: Well I’m real sorry bout that. Obviously that is a big mistake.
DRIVER: I should say so.
BUD: It should be $6.32 per gallon.
DRIVER: What?
BUD: This pump here is what we call the oil shale pump. You see, we have 800 billion barrels of oil in Western Colorado that we could be using. But since Mark Udall blocks leases and development at the Naval Oil Shale Reserve near Rifle, oil companies can’t extract it. This raises the price of gas.
DRIVER: That’s ridiculous.
BUD: Nah, it’s what them people on the TV call "economics." Let me give you a little lesson about the basic laws of supply and demand. First you have –
DRIVER: I KNOW about supply and demand.
BUD: Oh, then you’re probably just as pissed off at Udall as the rest of us are.
DRIVER: Ugh. I’m going to use this pump over here.
BUD: Now that one we call the offshore drilling pump.
DRIVER: What?
BUD: Mark Udall keeps blocking drilling in offshore areas, and it makes the cost of gas go up.
DRIVER: You obviously aren’t aware of the environmental devastation that can be caused by offshore drilling.
BUD: You mean like when a class 5 hurricane hits?
DRIVER: Precisely.
BUD: Cause when Hurricane Katrina hit, none of the rigs were damaged.
DRIVER: Never mind. How much is that gas?
BUD: $6.12 a gallon.
DRIVER: That’s an outrage! This is price gouging.
BUD: Don’t blame me. I just run a small station. Blame the high gas prices on those stupid, evil greedy bastards.
DRIVER: Big oil?
BUD: No, Democrats.
DRIVER: What about that pump over there.
OWNER: That’s the ANWR pump. We have to charge more on that one too, seeing as how Udall votes to block drilling in the Arctic circle.
DRIVER: So how much per gallon?
BUD: It’s like buying one of them Rolls Royces. If you have to ask the price, you probably can’t afford it.
DRIVER: There’s one other pump. What god-forsaken area is that named after?
BUD: Oh that? That one ain’t associated with any area.
DRIVER: Really? (she reads the meter). Then why is it still 50 cents a gallon higher than every other station in Colorado?
BUD: Because Mark Udall says he’d vote for a 50 cent per gallon increase in the gas tax. I assume since you support Udall, you don’t mind paying the 50 cents a gallon extra.
DRIVER: I hate these high prices.
BUD: I may have a solution.
DRIVER: What?
BUD: Join the DNC Convention Committee. I hear those folks never have to pay any taxes on gas.
She storms off to some nearby pumps, then comes back steaming.
BUD: (singing) "I can’t smile without you. I can’t laugh. I can’t sing. I’m finding it hard, to do anything..."
DRIVER: Excuse me!
Bud turns off the iPod again. Peanut yawns.
Bud: Boy that Manilow can sing. Yes ma'am?
DRIVER: Those pumps over there, the Schaffer pumps. You’re only charging them $2 a gallon.
BUD: Sure. That’s because Bob Schaffer doesn’t want higher gas taxes. Plus he wants more domestic drilling, and more supply means lower prices. Even Peanut here understands that. (Peanut wags her tail) Have a seat while I explain to you the laws of supply and demand. First you have -
DRIVER: I KNOW the laws of supply and demand.
BUD: See, I don’t think you do.
DRIVER: You have Schaffer voters paying only $2 per gallon while us Udall voters have to pay $6!
BUD: Hell, it all averages out to four bucks a gallon. As Udall always says, we need to strike the right "balance."
DRIVER: That’s discrimination.
BUD: Hey, if you don’t like it, leave. Udall is always talking about "alternative energy." Use some of that.
DRIVER: But that’s down the road. I need affordable energy now, not in 10 years.
BUD: Try telling Udall that.
She storms off, hops in her car and squeals her tires, driving away.
Peanut looks at Bud.
BUD: (shakes his head) Udall people.
He hits a button on his iPod.
BUD: (singing) "At the Coppa, Copacabana. The hottest spot north of Havana..."
gas prices
On July 31st, 2008 Jane says:
Why can't we do this? It's a great idea.
Jane